Showdown

The elevator glided to a halt, the doors opening with a swish. Nervously the girls entered the hallway looking about before doing so.

"Shand, are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Iva nervously.

"Of course darl, I'm not afraid - Cashmere's a flibbidy jibit, ain't no way she's going to mess with me."

"And what about Prissy, you know nothing about her" said Carmene looking Shandy in the eye.

"Oh WOT EVAH, you two, if you don't want to be here, go. I can deal with this, your both a pair of lily-livered lumps."

Iva grabbed for Shandy's hand "No way hon, we are in this together."

"Well come along then."

Edging along the corridor they noted the numbers until they arrived at room 1414.

"Why has this room got double doors and the others haven't?" whispered Carmene.

"Cause these bitches are in a suite" said Shandy "Obviously someone's got plenty of spondoola to splash about".

Shandy drew a breath and slipped the key into the opening, illuminating the green light that announced they were seconds from gaining entry. Turning the handle gently there was a click. Iva gasped - they were all nervous now.

Pushing the door gently ajar, they peered in through the narrow opening. No noise, no movement. So far so good.

Shandy pushed the door open a little further - still nothing.

"They must be out," whispered Shandy "Lets go in."

Pushing the door open they walked into a stylish lounge room which had doorways leading off at either side.

"Well, they are certainly traveling in style," muttered Shandy "Lets not waste time! We need to quickly case the joint to see if we can find anything of relevance."

Carmene gave her a blank stare. "Ahem - CASE THE JOINT...? You've been hanging with the fuzz too much darling, you're talking like an ep of CSI Miami."

"OHHHHHHH I love that show!" gasped Iva excitedly "Horatio is such a hottie, I could so do the nastee with him."

"Ewwwww" replied Carmene, casting a disbelieving eye in her direction "You lie; he has red hair."

"So what? I think guys with red hair are spunks - ain't nothing nicer than munching on a thatch of red pubes."

"You're a sick puppy Iva."

"Shhhhhhh!" snapped Shandy "We do not have time to debate Iva's Follicle fetish, we have work to do."

They moved towards one of the doorways. Just as they were about to open it...

"Well, well, I do declare - I would know thayt voice anywhayer" the voice spoke out, clear, distinct and with an obvious southern drawl.

The door was flung open and the girls all screamed.

Standing before them was a tall, statuesque woman with peircing blue eyes, and thick, long, lustrous blonde hair teased slightly at the front to create height, it then cascaded luxuriously down her back. She wore stunning tailored white trousers and a turquoise silk blouse with swarovski crystal buttons. Shandy recognised immediately as the latest Alessandro Dell'Acqua, it was straight off the Milano catwalk - she was gagging for that blouse she thought.

"CASHMERE, ummm..." mumbled Shandy

"Wayell if it isn't my dear friend Delwood Hickory Cottonwood, Ive been expecting youuu"

"The name is Shandlier Wilson - you know that Cashmere - do you have a problem with that"

"Au contraire - I'm not enjoying your tone of voice. I of all people understand your situation only too well. But before your mind starts racing off thinking that I am not what I portray myself to be - you are wrong, I am a lady in every sense of the word, indeed yes. My sister on the other hand is one of your - how do I say this delicately - folk".

"Meaning" snapped Shandy

"Whay my dear - my sister is none other than someone you are well acquainted with - I refer to Miss Claire Voyant"

"What the fuck?" hissed Carmene "As if."

"Whomever you are, your foul language, not to mention your choice of ensemble is causing me severe abdominal distress. Its more than a person of my artistic sensitivity can bare. Cease and desist"

Before Shandy could muster a response, Cashmere continued.

"Actually - I hayve been expecting youu. As they say - Wait thayre's more"

Walking elegantly across the room. Shandy noted Cashmere's divine Jimmy Choo high HIGH heeled silver Lola sandals. Bitch she muttered under her breath.

Cashmere turned perfectly to face them "What lies behind door-ah number twooo"

With the flick of the handle, she pushed the door open. Standing there before them was a very large, very black woman. The tension increased.

Cashmere waived her perfectly manicured hand "May I introduce you to your long lost sister - Prissy"

"Sooooooo finally I git to meet my skanky brudda, you the one, you the one that never came to find me"

Shandy finally regained her composure "Excuse me - I have no idea what your referring to"

"Don'tchoo be given me none of that - look at you, you all think yo high and mighty now that you a woman an all, but I been told by Miss Cashmere here that you'all knew you had a brother and that you'all knew I was bought up wrong by foster parents, ize been done wrong, Ize been bought up bad, ize been in trouble and you dun nothin to find me, nothin to help yo blood. But you, you been bought up all fancy like - look at you in your fine threads drippin in ice. You'all left me for dead ho. Then I hear that yo a nastee peice of shit, yo been messin with my peeps vibe and they been good to me theyze have and we gonna see to it that you goin down bitch, cause Im not fly witch you, yo hear me?"

"But let me explain, I did not know anything, I only found out tonight that I had a brother"

"You lieeeee"

"No - you have to give me a chance to talk"

"Ahem" interupted Cashmere "My dear - Shandalier, I'm fraught with peril over your situation, truly I am, but news flash dahhhling, its not all about you this time - cut to me. I look at you as my arch enemy slash best friend. I say arch enemy for I have never forgiven you for usurping me at the Miss Boiling Springs Pageant. Call me old fashioned - but revenge is a dish best served cold. Or in the words of your delightfully hoochie sister - gurlfren you'all is going downnnnn."

Going up?

"My greatest arch enemy and a twin sister I never knew I had are sharing a suite at the Grand Hyatt at this very moment. I want to know why and I want to know NOW!!!" Shandy screamed.

She pushed Dirk's hand away from her freshly Brazilianed wet patch and directed him back to the driver's seat giving him a gentle pat on the almost-threatening stiff bulge protruding from the front of his rather aptly named "Wanton" Ted Baker fine wool pinstripe suit.

"Honey, you know there's nothing I'd love more than to sprinkle some spice on those nuts right now but I've got a mystery missy sissy to unearth and an old crazy-ass bitch who needs to know that the score is getting settled. And I need to do it right now."

Dirk wasted no time starting the engine and pulling out into the traffic.

Iva raised her head from the rear again, a few buttons of her silk bouse had come undone and the tiniest hint of her Hanky Panky Primrose Lace camisole peeped out from the top of her solid melons.

"So what's the plan?" she asked, using her pinky finger to remove the smudges of Guerlain's Kiss Kiss Golden Diamonds Skankwhore Scarlet Woman Lipstick from the edges of her full lips.

Shandy took a moment to glance downwards.

"Nice cami Girlfriend and later when there's time you must hook me up with that surgeon who repumped your baps last year, but right now you're right, we need a plan of attack."

The four of them huddled closer together. Shandy's cheeks were flushed with excitement, Iva's evil mind was ticking over, Saul flexed his muscles and Carmene continued to dab at the persistent Raz stain, while wondering if it she'd been lucky enough to get a 'free' with her ice treat.

By the time Dirk's van slid smoothly into the executive car park at The Grand Hyatt the trio and their muscly manservant were ready. Dirk who'd spent the last 15 minutes negotiating hook turns and secretly wondering if he had time to nail Shandy a quick hard one before they entered the hotel's shimmering interior, had heard nothing and asked to be let in on the plan.

Shandy placed her recently manicured talon on his soft, tempting lips, "This one is on a strictly need-to-know basis and right now all you need to know is that when this is all over I am going to pull out that not-so-secret weapon you're packing down there and suck it dry Handsome."

Dirk, feeling momentarily weak at the knees, leant back on the van for support and watched as the three former men, now hot women and their male assistant boasting prison-ripped muscles from every angle, strutted towards the hotel lobby. Saul and Iva remained outside while Shandy and Carmene sashayed in.

"Oooh nice foyez," Carmene squealed as she dragged her oversized man hands across the tasteful flocked wallpapered walls.

Shandy turned on her heel and glared at her while announcing loudly, "I think you'll find it's pronounced foy-ER."

Shandy winked at Carmene who pretended to look hurt. She did in fact strike a very sorry pose, her Raz splattered suit and torn stockings only added to her dismal appearance.

Shandy sauntered up to the counter, swaying her firm arse, bold as brass.

The receptionist, a rather dim but pretty slip of a thing who'd spent years racking up a diabolical bill on Mummy's credit card and ignoring the importance of her education had the air of someone who felt she was entitled to more but had only just realised that she got what she deserved, greeted them with a fake smile and even faker hair extensions.

"Good afternoon and welcome to the Grand Hyatt. My name is Bonnie, how can I assist you today?"

Shandy pulling herself up to her full height, turned on a full force killer smile and amped up the charm to eleven.

"Honey you sure as hell can assist us with quite a bit today. You see my assistant here, " Shandy gestured uncharitably to a pathetic looking Carmene, "seems to have up and lost my room key. And of course with all my work and socialising I cannot be expected to think of these things so we're just wondering if you'd kindly give us a new one right now."

"Absolutely we can, what name is that booked under?" Bonnie asked, suitably charmed by Shandy's brazen manner.

"Cottonwood, Miss Prissy, " Shandy said.

Bonnie tapped into the hotel computer.

"Here we are. You're in Room 1414. We just need some identification," Bonnie said.

But Shandy was prepared, "Surely you do," she pulled her Versace Medusa Head golden wallet from her snazzy pocketbook and produced her driver's licence.

"Obviously Prissy Cottonwood is my stage name, my real name is Miss Shandelier Wilson, as you probably know."

Not wanting to appear any dimmer than she was Bonnie looked at the licence and nodded.

"Of course Miss Wil... I mean Miss Cottonwood," she giggled nervously. "Here's your room key and be sure to let me know if you need anything else."

Shandy and Carmene smiled and walked towards the lift. Shandy turned back, her glossy hair bouncing off her shoulders.

"Actually Honey there is something more you can do for us. Can you get room service to send us up two plates of fried chicken with fries and a dozen bottles of Dom, thanks. And by the way nice tan...is it Mystic?"

Bonnie nodded dumbly as she scrambled to write down the order.

Carmene and Shandy slid into the lift, the room key in Shandy's hand and as the doors slid closed they high-fived each other. Perhaps this crazyplan might just work after all.