West Side Sassies

"Ahem" interupted Cashmere "My dear - Shandalier, I'm fraught with peril over your situation, truly I am, but news flash dahhhling, its not all about you this time - cut to me. I look at you as my arch enemy slash best friend. I say arch enemy for I have never forgiven you for usurping me at the Miss Boiling Springs Pageant. Call me old fashioned - but revenge is a dish best served cold. Or in the words of your delightfully hoochie sister - gurlfren you'all is going downnnnn."

Shandy couldn't help but burst into peals of derisive laughter. "Oh, you canNOT be serious," she scoffed at her statuesque nemesis. "'Revenge is a dish best served cold'...? Admit it, you've been rehearsing that speech clear across the Pacific. Oh Cashmere, you're still as full of crap as you were back in Boiling Springs."

Cashmere flicked her Sunset Over Miami Beach blonde tresses. "I am telling you Delwood," she seethed, "our life-long fued? It ends here and it ends NOW."

"Oh puh-lease, you didn't scare me at Miss Hathaway's School of Deportment and Grooming For Lovely Young Southern Belles, and you don't scare me now. Just what do you intend to do, huh?" Shandy snapped her fingers at Cashmere. "Blowdry me to death?"

A sour smile played on Cashmere Dupree's lips. If Shandy wasn't mistaken, Cashmere had plastered them with Dior Addict High Shine Lipstick Sheer Rose 147. Damn! That girl sure knew her lippies. It was a gorgeous, shimmering shade but, as per usual, Cashmere had over-applied. "Miss Prissy," Cashmere announced, "it's time to do your thing."

Iva screamed, Carmene screamed louder, and in a way that told Shandy that she was back to holding her tits again. Honestly, those two were such a pair of drama queens. Suddenly a steely glare of silver flashed in the corner of Shandy's eye. She turned her head to see Prissy brandishing a knife. It was one of those switchblades that Shandy herself had used 3 years ago in the smash-hit, sold-out run of "West Side Sassies" that had played at Sassy Palms for a record-breaking 4 months. Only this time something told Shandy that this weren't no fake stage knife that Prissy was waving at her.

"I's gonna git yer ass," Prissy muttered, almost trance-like. "I's gonna slice it to ribbons and then I's gonna take those ribbons and I's gonna put them in my hair. All perdy-perdy like."

"Shandy," Iva croaked, "I think she means business."

"You got that right, you skinny skank of a hoochie ho's cooch. I's from the streets. Knifin' is mah bizness. And when I'm done wid dis one," Prissy swiped the air with her switchblade in Shandy's direction, "I's gonna come after you two honky-ass bitches." Iva and Carmene screamed again, this time in surprisingly harmonious union.

"You get away from my girls!" Shandy screamed. Like a sleek leopard (well, a sleek drag queen in a leopard print cat-suit at any rate) Shandy launched herself into the air between Prissy and Cashmere. She rolled onto the deliciously soft salmon swirl carpeting just next to the crystal topped coffee table. In a blur she grabbed the stun-wah Japanese porcelain vase that sat on the table. It was a pity to have to destroy it but this was a fight to the death! With laser like precision she hurled it at Prissy's head.

But Miss Prissy Louella Cottonwood was quicker on her feet than Shandy could ever have anticipated. She catapulted herself towards Shandy like a winged rhinoceros landing beside the divine divan that matched the darling Danish davenport behind Shandy. Without even so much as stopping to draw breath, let alone for a dozen donuts, Prissy threw the knife straight at Shandy's forehead. At the last, nail-biting moment, Shandy turned her head to the right. She heard a WHOOSH! followed by a sickening thud. She went to leap to her feet but something was stopping her.

"Shandy!" Iva called out. "Her knife! It's pinned you to that darling Danish davenport! She's got you by your hairdo!"

"Nobody touches this hairdo without my say so!" Shandy declared. She reached up and grabbed the handle of Prissy's switchblade and yanked it out with the strength of an Amazon woman. She sprung to her feet and pointed the knife towards Prissy. "So, the kid-leather autumn-hue party-pump Manolo's are on the other foot now, aren't they?" she taunted her sister.

Shandy made a lunge in Prissy's direction but Prissy's frown turned into a smirk as she reached up into the sleeve of her blouse and pulled out another knife. "Yo is stoopider than yo look ifn yo think that I's only got me one knife. I done told you: I's street wise in ways yo ain't even dreamed about." The two sisters circled each other like a pair of wary lionesses. Around and around they crept, closer and closer they edged until they were a little more than a knife's slash from each other's décolletage.

"Oh for god's sake will one of you make a move?" Cashmere demanded. "This is starting to drag on for way too long."

That's when Shandy made her fatal error. She glanced across at Cashmere to see that she had a bottle of French champers in her hand. That's when Prissy made her move. In a blindingly black blur, Prissy shot towards Shandy. Shandy felt a flabby arm encase her neck and pulled her down to the shagpile. The arm around her throat squeezed harder and harder, cutting off her all oxygen and - worst of all - totally ruining what was left of the $150 bouffant she'd paid for less than two days before. Shandy looked up to see Prissy raise her knife high into the air, ready to slam it down between her fun pillows. She closed her eyes and prepared herself for the final end. An image of Dirk swam before her. He was naked and writhing on her bed, his enormous manliness bulging with anticipation. He was groaning with ecstasy and calling out her name. What a bummer they hadn't made time for one last root. Spewin' buckets, eh?

But instead of the sound of Prissy grunting as she plunged her knife in, Shandy heard the pop of a cork. Say wha...? She opened her eyes to see Cashmere pouring out the bubbly into five champagne flutes. "Oh Shandy," Cashmere tsk-tsked, "you really don't think your long lost sister would kill you the very hour she finally meets you?"

Prissy let out a throaty laugh and helped Shandy to her feet. "No way, sister-gurl. We just playing wid choo!" Iva and Carmene each let out twittering gurgles of nervous laughter. "So," Iva said, "Miss Prissy here won't be slaughtering us like spring lambs at the Melbourne Show?"

Cashmere handed them the flutes. "I'm sure I have no idea what a Melbourne Show is, but no, there shall be no slaughtering here today. Chin-chin!"

After what she'd been through, Shandy could do with a glass or four of bubbly. She drained her flute of champers in one thirsty gulp. "This is the good stuff!" she declared to her suddenly former arch enemy. "Any more...?"

But as she thrust her glass towards Cashmere, suddenly everything blurred. She felt light-headed and her heart began to beat even harder than when Dirk was behind her, pounding her doggy style with the relentlessness of an insatiable bull.

And then she blanked out.

* * *

It was impossible to know how long she'd been laying on the butter-soft shag pile. She lifted her throbbing head to see Iva and Carmene sprawled out like a couple of buffaloes laying in the sun. She called their names, but they didn't respond. She pulled herself up to the divine divan and tried to catch her breath. What happened? Where was Cashmere and Prissy? Oh, her head! How it pummeled her so!

She called out Iva and Carmene's names again; this time they stirred. Groaning, they came slowly to life. "Girls!" Shandy called out to them and she struggled to get upright. "I think we've been drugged."

Shandy's announcement shocked them both into wakefulness. Carmene let off a snarl. "I knew it was too good to be true when that Prissy didn't plunge her knife into your guts."

"Oh yeah," Shandy responded, "And thanks to the both of youse for coming to my rescue. Your assistance was invaluable."

"But...but...but..." the pair of them stuttered but Shandy dismissed them with another of her haughty snaps. "Let's get out of here."

"Wait!" Iva screeched. "I want to see if there are any chockies on the pillow. I love those things."

Shandy watched as Iva scooted into Cashmere's bedroom. A few moments went by, then a few moments more, but Iva didn't appear. "Don't make me come in there after you," Shandy growled.

"You'd better get in here!" Iva called from the bedroom. "Both of you."

Impatiently, Shandy and Carmene crossed the living-room and entered Cashmere's vast boudoir. "HOLY SHIT!" Carmene exclaimed. Holy shit indeed for Cashmere's bedroom was awash with huge sheets of paper. "What are these?" Carmene asked.

"They're architectural plans," Iva replied, impressing Shandy that she'd have even the slightest clue.

"Of what?"

Shandy pulled the top sheet off the pile on the bed and studied it for a moment. Then she let out a horrified "OH MY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!"

"What is it? What is it???"

Shandy pulled another sheet, then another. "We've got to go!" she ordered her two glamazon assistants. She raced out of the bedroom beckoning the others to follow. "We've got to get to work!"

"Now?" Carmene whined. "Is there a rehearsal or something...?"

Shandy unfurled one of the architectural plans so that Iva and Carmene could see. "These are plans for the Sassy Palms! And these lines here..." She traced a series of parallel lines with her 2-inch nails slathered in Revlon Sweet Nothings Peachy Keen #7 lacquer by her new nail girl Quan Yee who really does do such an excellent job. "This is the wiring."

"Oh?" Carmene responded brightly. "We're getting new wiring? Well, it's about bloody time. Running around back stage with our Rampant Rio Carnivale headdresses last year, I just about--"

"No you witless ninny!" Shandy snapped. "Once the wiring is cut, the fire alarm is no longer connected. Cashmere and Prissy lured us here and drugged us to get us out of the way. They're going to torch the Sassy Palms and we must stop them!!!!"

Showdown

The elevator glided to a halt, the doors opening with a swish. Nervously the girls entered the hallway looking about before doing so.

"Shand, are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Iva nervously.

"Of course darl, I'm not afraid - Cashmere's a flibbidy jibit, ain't no way she's going to mess with me."

"And what about Prissy, you know nothing about her" said Carmene looking Shandy in the eye.

"Oh WOT EVAH, you two, if you don't want to be here, go. I can deal with this, your both a pair of lily-livered lumps."

Iva grabbed for Shandy's hand "No way hon, we are in this together."

"Well come along then."

Edging along the corridor they noted the numbers until they arrived at room 1414.

"Why has this room got double doors and the others haven't?" whispered Carmene.

"Cause these bitches are in a suite" said Shandy "Obviously someone's got plenty of spondoola to splash about".

Shandy drew a breath and slipped the key into the opening, illuminating the green light that announced they were seconds from gaining entry. Turning the handle gently there was a click. Iva gasped - they were all nervous now.

Pushing the door gently ajar, they peered in through the narrow opening. No noise, no movement. So far so good.

Shandy pushed the door open a little further - still nothing.

"They must be out," whispered Shandy "Lets go in."

Pushing the door open they walked into a stylish lounge room which had doorways leading off at either side.

"Well, they are certainly traveling in style," muttered Shandy "Lets not waste time! We need to quickly case the joint to see if we can find anything of relevance."

Carmene gave her a blank stare. "Ahem - CASE THE JOINT...? You've been hanging with the fuzz too much darling, you're talking like an ep of CSI Miami."

"OHHHHHHH I love that show!" gasped Iva excitedly "Horatio is such a hottie, I could so do the nastee with him."

"Ewwwww" replied Carmene, casting a disbelieving eye in her direction "You lie; he has red hair."

"So what? I think guys with red hair are spunks - ain't nothing nicer than munching on a thatch of red pubes."

"You're a sick puppy Iva."

"Shhhhhhh!" snapped Shandy "We do not have time to debate Iva's Follicle fetish, we have work to do."

They moved towards one of the doorways. Just as they were about to open it...

"Well, well, I do declare - I would know thayt voice anywhayer" the voice spoke out, clear, distinct and with an obvious southern drawl.

The door was flung open and the girls all screamed.

Standing before them was a tall, statuesque woman with peircing blue eyes, and thick, long, lustrous blonde hair teased slightly at the front to create height, it then cascaded luxuriously down her back. She wore stunning tailored white trousers and a turquoise silk blouse with swarovski crystal buttons. Shandy recognised immediately as the latest Alessandro Dell'Acqua, it was straight off the Milano catwalk - she was gagging for that blouse she thought.

"CASHMERE, ummm..." mumbled Shandy

"Wayell if it isn't my dear friend Delwood Hickory Cottonwood, Ive been expecting youuu"

"The name is Shandlier Wilson - you know that Cashmere - do you have a problem with that"

"Au contraire - I'm not enjoying your tone of voice. I of all people understand your situation only too well. But before your mind starts racing off thinking that I am not what I portray myself to be - you are wrong, I am a lady in every sense of the word, indeed yes. My sister on the other hand is one of your - how do I say this delicately - folk".

"Meaning" snapped Shandy

"Whay my dear - my sister is none other than someone you are well acquainted with - I refer to Miss Claire Voyant"

"What the fuck?" hissed Carmene "As if."

"Whomever you are, your foul language, not to mention your choice of ensemble is causing me severe abdominal distress. Its more than a person of my artistic sensitivity can bare. Cease and desist"

Before Shandy could muster a response, Cashmere continued.

"Actually - I hayve been expecting youu. As they say - Wait thayre's more"

Walking elegantly across the room. Shandy noted Cashmere's divine Jimmy Choo high HIGH heeled silver Lola sandals. Bitch she muttered under her breath.

Cashmere turned perfectly to face them "What lies behind door-ah number twooo"

With the flick of the handle, she pushed the door open. Standing there before them was a very large, very black woman. The tension increased.

Cashmere waived her perfectly manicured hand "May I introduce you to your long lost sister - Prissy"

"Sooooooo finally I git to meet my skanky brudda, you the one, you the one that never came to find me"

Shandy finally regained her composure "Excuse me - I have no idea what your referring to"

"Don'tchoo be given me none of that - look at you, you all think yo high and mighty now that you a woman an all, but I been told by Miss Cashmere here that you'all knew you had a brother and that you'all knew I was bought up wrong by foster parents, ize been done wrong, Ize been bought up bad, ize been in trouble and you dun nothin to find me, nothin to help yo blood. But you, you been bought up all fancy like - look at you in your fine threads drippin in ice. You'all left me for dead ho. Then I hear that yo a nastee peice of shit, yo been messin with my peeps vibe and they been good to me theyze have and we gonna see to it that you goin down bitch, cause Im not fly witch you, yo hear me?"

"But let me explain, I did not know anything, I only found out tonight that I had a brother"

"You lieeeee"

"No - you have to give me a chance to talk"

"Ahem" interupted Cashmere "My dear - Shandalier, I'm fraught with peril over your situation, truly I am, but news flash dahhhling, its not all about you this time - cut to me. I look at you as my arch enemy slash best friend. I say arch enemy for I have never forgiven you for usurping me at the Miss Boiling Springs Pageant. Call me old fashioned - but revenge is a dish best served cold. Or in the words of your delightfully hoochie sister - gurlfren you'all is going downnnnn."

Going up?

"My greatest arch enemy and a twin sister I never knew I had are sharing a suite at the Grand Hyatt at this very moment. I want to know why and I want to know NOW!!!" Shandy screamed.

She pushed Dirk's hand away from her freshly Brazilianed wet patch and directed him back to the driver's seat giving him a gentle pat on the almost-threatening stiff bulge protruding from the front of his rather aptly named "Wanton" Ted Baker fine wool pinstripe suit.

"Honey, you know there's nothing I'd love more than to sprinkle some spice on those nuts right now but I've got a mystery missy sissy to unearth and an old crazy-ass bitch who needs to know that the score is getting settled. And I need to do it right now."

Dirk wasted no time starting the engine and pulling out into the traffic.

Iva raised her head from the rear again, a few buttons of her silk bouse had come undone and the tiniest hint of her Hanky Panky Primrose Lace camisole peeped out from the top of her solid melons.

"So what's the plan?" she asked, using her pinky finger to remove the smudges of Guerlain's Kiss Kiss Golden Diamonds Skankwhore Scarlet Woman Lipstick from the edges of her full lips.

Shandy took a moment to glance downwards.

"Nice cami Girlfriend and later when there's time you must hook me up with that surgeon who repumped your baps last year, but right now you're right, we need a plan of attack."

The four of them huddled closer together. Shandy's cheeks were flushed with excitement, Iva's evil mind was ticking over, Saul flexed his muscles and Carmene continued to dab at the persistent Raz stain, while wondering if it she'd been lucky enough to get a 'free' with her ice treat.

By the time Dirk's van slid smoothly into the executive car park at The Grand Hyatt the trio and their muscly manservant were ready. Dirk who'd spent the last 15 minutes negotiating hook turns and secretly wondering if he had time to nail Shandy a quick hard one before they entered the hotel's shimmering interior, had heard nothing and asked to be let in on the plan.

Shandy placed her recently manicured talon on his soft, tempting lips, "This one is on a strictly need-to-know basis and right now all you need to know is that when this is all over I am going to pull out that not-so-secret weapon you're packing down there and suck it dry Handsome."

Dirk, feeling momentarily weak at the knees, leant back on the van for support and watched as the three former men, now hot women and their male assistant boasting prison-ripped muscles from every angle, strutted towards the hotel lobby. Saul and Iva remained outside while Shandy and Carmene sashayed in.

"Oooh nice foyez," Carmene squealed as she dragged her oversized man hands across the tasteful flocked wallpapered walls.

Shandy turned on her heel and glared at her while announcing loudly, "I think you'll find it's pronounced foy-ER."

Shandy winked at Carmene who pretended to look hurt. She did in fact strike a very sorry pose, her Raz splattered suit and torn stockings only added to her dismal appearance.

Shandy sauntered up to the counter, swaying her firm arse, bold as brass.

The receptionist, a rather dim but pretty slip of a thing who'd spent years racking up a diabolical bill on Mummy's credit card and ignoring the importance of her education had the air of someone who felt she was entitled to more but had only just realised that she got what she deserved, greeted them with a fake smile and even faker hair extensions.

"Good afternoon and welcome to the Grand Hyatt. My name is Bonnie, how can I assist you today?"

Shandy pulling herself up to her full height, turned on a full force killer smile and amped up the charm to eleven.

"Honey you sure as hell can assist us with quite a bit today. You see my assistant here, " Shandy gestured uncharitably to a pathetic looking Carmene, "seems to have up and lost my room key. And of course with all my work and socialising I cannot be expected to think of these things so we're just wondering if you'd kindly give us a new one right now."

"Absolutely we can, what name is that booked under?" Bonnie asked, suitably charmed by Shandy's brazen manner.

"Cottonwood, Miss Prissy, " Shandy said.

Bonnie tapped into the hotel computer.

"Here we are. You're in Room 1414. We just need some identification," Bonnie said.

But Shandy was prepared, "Surely you do," she pulled her Versace Medusa Head golden wallet from her snazzy pocketbook and produced her driver's licence.

"Obviously Prissy Cottonwood is my stage name, my real name is Miss Shandelier Wilson, as you probably know."

Not wanting to appear any dimmer than she was Bonnie looked at the licence and nodded.

"Of course Miss Wil... I mean Miss Cottonwood," she giggled nervously. "Here's your room key and be sure to let me know if you need anything else."

Shandy and Carmene smiled and walked towards the lift. Shandy turned back, her glossy hair bouncing off her shoulders.

"Actually Honey there is something more you can do for us. Can you get room service to send us up two plates of fried chicken with fries and a dozen bottles of Dom, thanks. And by the way nice tan...is it Mystic?"

Bonnie nodded dumbly as she scrambled to write down the order.

Carmene and Shandy slid into the lift, the room key in Shandy's hand and as the doors slid closed they high-fived each other. Perhaps this crazyplan might just work after all.