Back to the Future

"Oh my good Mr Flynn, I can do many things and eat at the same time." Shandelier continued with the eye-batting. "Mmm, smells quite good." Actually it smelled like last week's horsemeat that'd been sitting out in the sun next to the Collingwood City Morgue, but Shandy was too ravenous to care. She picked up the battered spoon that lay next to the bowl, filled it with stew and brought it to her provocatively full lips. "So, what's on your mind...?"

Dirk leaned in, his Dior Eau Savage was really quite intoxicating, he put his hand over Shandelier's and was about to whisper something she thought would be meaningful, poignant and perhaps slightly raunchy into her ear.

Instead he pushed Shandy's fork down, "Don't eat this horseshit honey..."

Suddenly the door burst open and in swished Iva Biggun and Carmene. Iva Biggun was the star attraction at The Sassy Palms and Carmene the manager. Shandelier was torn between feeling overjoyed to see them and wanting to slap Iva's Paula Dorf Jazzed Cheek Coloured face for interrupting what could be a not half-bad evening if you took out the Vinegar-Tits dyke out the front and the putrid, bubbling stew in front of her .

Iva and Carmene had attempted to dress stylishly and conservatively for the visit but they were two of the best-known drag queens in town - subtle wasn't exactly in their wardrobe vocabulary. Iva had on a classic vintage Chanel tweed suit but she'd given it a well...slutty...twist by adding fishnets and thigh high patent leather imitation crocodile skin stilleto boots. Carmene on the other hand worked her usual colourful, slimline garb but thought she'd toned it down considerably by adding a June Salteresque Cameo to her neckline.

"Get your damn hands off her!" screamed Iva at Dirk.

Dirk pulled his hands away, momentarily flustered.

"Shit, I've always wanted to scream that, ever since that kooky Crispin Glover did it in Back to the Future", Iva said conversationally to Carmene.

"I loved those films, he really had that goofy thing working for him didn't he." Carmene agreed.

"Oh yes, I wonder what ever happened to him?" Iva mused.

Shandelier cleared her throat, "Ladeees - focus."

Iva and Carmene snapped back.

"Oh sorry Love, you ok?" Iva gave her a little pat on the back making sure she was pointing her perfectly symmetrical plunging neckline into Dirk's eyeline. This annoyed Shandelier, she'd been an early adapter when it came to implants and as a result she was more in the Tori Spelling category than the Angelina Jolie one.

"I'm fine, Dirk's been taking very good care of me." She reached for his hand and held it tightly, her Anna Sui (No 312) nails digging into Dirk's Armani suit, (he'd been a big fan of NYPD Blue - the Jimmy Smits era).

Carmene shook Dirk's hand, "Thank you soooo much Detective for looking after Shandelier but she'll need to come with us now. You see Morty Hempel, our very special friend, is holed up with the best legal team in town and as far as they can see - well you really have jack-shit on Shandelier. So we'll be off now, toodles."

Carmene, ever the professional, pulled a business card from her Vuitton Lockit, "But we'd be delighted to have you visit The Sassy Palms and have a slappertini on the house."

Carmene pulled Shandelier from the chair and steered her towards the door. Dirk was flabbergasted but they had the facts right. He had nothing to charge Shandelier with and to be perfectly honest he didn't want to. He could tell she was innocent of both the arson and murder, but these gals would be the key to unlocking the secrets of the crime and he wanted them on a short leash - maybe even a leather studded one with matching gimp mask? Whew, he pulled himself back into reality.

"Don't go too far, I'll be wanting to talk to you all at some stage," he called after them.

Iva swung around on her mock-crocs and headed back to Dirk, she moved in close and straightened his Gucci silk-tie.
"You know you really are quite an appetising long drink of water aren't you? Come and see the show sometime and I'll be sure to give you a backdoor tour." She winked suggestively.

Iva grabbed the pate of uneaten stew as she left the room. Vera Head was sitting right outside the door, desperately trying to hear every last word. Iva plonked the stew in Vera's lap.

"There you go Bullychops, have a free feed. It's probably the only meat you're ever going to get inside you in this lifetime."

Then Iva leant over and whispered in Vera's ear, "And you can tell your little yellow-stained friend in the transparent heels that we know what's going down - and it's HER."

Iva grabbed Carmene in one hand and Shandelier in the other and the three of them sashayed out of the police-station on their stilettos, cackling into the night.

Vera Head clutched the plate of poisoned plop in both hands, she wanted revenge alright, but it wasn't just Shandelier in her sights anymore - it was the WHOLE SASSY PALMS and everything in it.

The ladies piled into Carmene's car,
"Where are we going?" Shandelier asked.

Carmene looked at her in the rearview mirror, "WE are not going anywhere honey. YOU are getting away for awhile, somewhere far away..."