The cackling and camp tomfoolery continued as the girls sped away in Iva's Canary Yellow Holden Commodore. An oldie but a goodie.
"What did you mean when you said I would be going far away" asked Shandy.
"Well honey" replied Carmene "You can't stick around here, its too dangerous".
"Whaddya mean"
"Someone is trying to set you up. They have tried pinning the murder of Magic and the burning down of Thai Me Up on you sweetie"
"Darling who is THEY and more importantly WHY?" asked Shandy
Carmene looked at Shandy, her eyes heavily penciled and shaded in her favourite colour shadow "Peacock Plumage Blue". I suspect a certain someone is wanting to take control of the Sassy Palms and this person wants to use it as a front for "her" business on the side"
"Your confusing me"
Iva Interrupted "Listen darling, Carmene and I have suspected that one of the Sassy girls has been selling drugs on the premises, cause there have been a few undesirables in of late, well should I say more than our usual crowd. Andddd, I spied that yellow peril Imelda out back behind the loo with a guy".
"And what is so strange about that. It ain't the first time Imelda has blown a guy out back" said Shandy
Iva fluttered her false lashes in annoyance "Lissen to me, she opened her hideous excuse for a handbag, the one with pink pom poms and it was full of plastic bags with little white pills. She pulled one out and handed it to the guy who gave her $100.00. Thankfully she did not see me and I snuck back and told Carmene. So you see, this is a lot bigger than we first expected, she is dangerous and you need to lie low for a while til this all blows over"
"Im not going anywhere, Im not afraid of that skanky, cum guzzling slanty eyed, slimy, felching Filipino. I SAID IM NOT GOING ANYWHERE".
Carmene fixed Shandy with one of her I mean business stares "Yes you are. We have arranged for you to go stay with Liz"
"Your fucking joking" said Shandy "Im not goin up there".
Liz! Otherwise known as Elizabeth Street was Melbourne's most famed drag queen, she took centre stage at Pokies of a Sunday night for many years. These were the good old days, she was positively divalicious. But Liz fell on hard times, was unlucky in love and her "diva" position became increasingly threatend by younger "girls" on the rise. She took solace in the bottle and ultimately packed up and moved to Shepparton where she worked as a barmaid at the local RSL.
"You gotta be jokin, Im not stayin with that hasbin, uh uh no way" said Shandy
"Shuttt Uppp" said Iva firmly "Ive already had Margot pack you some clothes and we are going now"
Meanwhile Imelda was busy entertaining a gentleman caller whom she had flirted with earlier at at the Sassy Palms.
"Mmmmm darlingggg, that feel good, that nice. You like screw chick with dick yes, ooohhh"
Her mobile rang, she could make out the name on the screen, VERA. "Momement darling, me must take dis, just keep going. Vera, what you want honey, me errrr busy"
"You won't be happy, but Shandalier has was released, they have no hard evidence and, ummm, she ate nothing" replied Vera.
"Fuck, fuck fuck. You stupi bit, what we do now? Hmmmm, but they not know I involved, it ok. We still get rid of her, must have Sassy Palm cause business about to boom. Where she go darling"
"I have no idea, she left with 2 of those drag queens and they drove off"
"Well me have many much way to find out thing, leave to me darling, I see to her"
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Back to the Future
"Oh my good Mr Flynn, I can do many things and eat at the same time." Shandelier continued with the eye-batting. "Mmm, smells quite good." Actually it smelled like last week's horsemeat that'd been sitting out in the sun next to the Collingwood City Morgue, but Shandy was too ravenous to care. She picked up the battered spoon that lay next to the bowl, filled it with stew and brought it to her provocatively full lips. "So, what's on your mind...?"
Dirk leaned in, his Dior Eau Savage was really quite intoxicating, he put his hand over Shandelier's and was about to whisper something she thought would be meaningful, poignant and perhaps slightly raunchy into her ear.
Instead he pushed Shandy's fork down, "Don't eat this horseshit honey..."
Suddenly the door burst open and in swished Iva Biggun and Carmene. Iva Biggun was the star attraction at The Sassy Palms and Carmene the manager. Shandelier was torn between feeling overjoyed to see them and wanting to slap Iva's Paula Dorf Jazzed Cheek Coloured face for interrupting what could be a not half-bad evening if you took out the Vinegar-Tits dyke out the front and the putrid, bubbling stew in front of her .
Iva and Carmene had attempted to dress stylishly and conservatively for the visit but they were two of the best-known drag queens in town - subtle wasn't exactly in their wardrobe vocabulary. Iva had on a classic vintage Chanel tweed suit but she'd given it a well...slutty...twist by adding fishnets and thigh high patent leather imitation crocodile skin stilleto boots. Carmene on the other hand worked her usual colourful, slimline garb but thought she'd toned it down considerably by adding a June Salteresque Cameo to her neckline.
"Get your damn hands off her!" screamed Iva at Dirk.
Dirk pulled his hands away, momentarily flustered.
"Shit, I've always wanted to scream that, ever since that kooky Crispin Glover did it in Back to the Future", Iva said conversationally to Carmene.
"I loved those films, he really had that goofy thing working for him didn't he." Carmene agreed.
"Oh yes, I wonder what ever happened to him?" Iva mused.
Shandelier cleared her throat, "Ladeees - focus."
Iva and Carmene snapped back.
"Oh sorry Love, you ok?" Iva gave her a little pat on the back making sure she was pointing her perfectly symmetrical plunging neckline into Dirk's eyeline. This annoyed Shandelier, she'd been an early adapter when it came to implants and as a result she was more in the Tori Spelling category than the Angelina Jolie one.
"I'm fine, Dirk's been taking very good care of me." She reached for his hand and held it tightly, her Anna Sui (No 312) nails digging into Dirk's Armani suit, (he'd been a big fan of NYPD Blue - the Jimmy Smits era).
Carmene shook Dirk's hand, "Thank you soooo much Detective for looking after Shandelier but she'll need to come with us now. You see Morty Hempel, our very special friend, is holed up with the best legal team in town and as far as they can see - well you really have jack-shit on Shandelier. So we'll be off now, toodles."
Carmene, ever the professional, pulled a business card from her Vuitton Lockit, "But we'd be delighted to have you visit The Sassy Palms and have a slappertini on the house."
Carmene pulled Shandelier from the chair and steered her towards the door. Dirk was flabbergasted but they had the facts right. He had nothing to charge Shandelier with and to be perfectly honest he didn't want to. He could tell she was innocent of both the arson and murder, but these gals would be the key to unlocking the secrets of the crime and he wanted them on a short leash - maybe even a leather studded one with matching gimp mask? Whew, he pulled himself back into reality.
"Don't go too far, I'll be wanting to talk to you all at some stage," he called after them.
Iva swung around on her mock-crocs and headed back to Dirk, she moved in close and straightened his Gucci silk-tie.
"You know you really are quite an appetising long drink of water aren't you? Come and see the show sometime and I'll be sure to give you a backdoor tour." She winked suggestively.
Iva grabbed the pate of uneaten stew as she left the room. Vera Head was sitting right outside the door, desperately trying to hear every last word. Iva plonked the stew in Vera's lap.
"There you go Bullychops, have a free feed. It's probably the only meat you're ever going to get inside you in this lifetime."
Then Iva leant over and whispered in Vera's ear, "And you can tell your little yellow-stained friend in the transparent heels that we know what's going down - and it's HER."
Iva grabbed Carmene in one hand and Shandelier in the other and the three of them sashayed out of the police-station on their stilettos, cackling into the night.
Vera Head clutched the plate of poisoned plop in both hands, she wanted revenge alright, but it wasn't just Shandelier in her sights anymore - it was the WHOLE SASSY PALMS and everything in it.
The ladies piled into Carmene's car,
"Where are we going?" Shandelier asked.
Carmene looked at her in the rearview mirror, "WE are not going anywhere honey. YOU are getting away for awhile, somewhere far away..."
Dirk leaned in, his Dior Eau Savage was really quite intoxicating, he put his hand over Shandelier's and was about to whisper something she thought would be meaningful, poignant and perhaps slightly raunchy into her ear.
Instead he pushed Shandy's fork down, "Don't eat this horseshit honey..."
Suddenly the door burst open and in swished Iva Biggun and Carmene. Iva Biggun was the star attraction at The Sassy Palms and Carmene the manager. Shandelier was torn between feeling overjoyed to see them and wanting to slap Iva's Paula Dorf Jazzed Cheek Coloured face for interrupting what could be a not half-bad evening if you took out the Vinegar-Tits dyke out the front and the putrid, bubbling stew in front of her .
Iva and Carmene had attempted to dress stylishly and conservatively for the visit but they were two of the best-known drag queens in town - subtle wasn't exactly in their wardrobe vocabulary. Iva had on a classic vintage Chanel tweed suit but she'd given it a well...slutty...twist by adding fishnets and thigh high patent leather imitation crocodile skin stilleto boots. Carmene on the other hand worked her usual colourful, slimline garb but thought she'd toned it down considerably by adding a June Salteresque Cameo to her neckline.
"Get your damn hands off her!" screamed Iva at Dirk.
Dirk pulled his hands away, momentarily flustered.
"Shit, I've always wanted to scream that, ever since that kooky Crispin Glover did it in Back to the Future", Iva said conversationally to Carmene.
"I loved those films, he really had that goofy thing working for him didn't he." Carmene agreed.
"Oh yes, I wonder what ever happened to him?" Iva mused.
Shandelier cleared her throat, "Ladeees - focus."
Iva and Carmene snapped back.
"Oh sorry Love, you ok?" Iva gave her a little pat on the back making sure she was pointing her perfectly symmetrical plunging neckline into Dirk's eyeline. This annoyed Shandelier, she'd been an early adapter when it came to implants and as a result she was more in the Tori Spelling category than the Angelina Jolie one.
"I'm fine, Dirk's been taking very good care of me." She reached for his hand and held it tightly, her Anna Sui (No 312) nails digging into Dirk's Armani suit, (he'd been a big fan of NYPD Blue - the Jimmy Smits era).
Carmene shook Dirk's hand, "Thank you soooo much Detective for looking after Shandelier but she'll need to come with us now. You see Morty Hempel, our very special friend, is holed up with the best legal team in town and as far as they can see - well you really have jack-shit on Shandelier. So we'll be off now, toodles."
Carmene, ever the professional, pulled a business card from her Vuitton Lockit, "But we'd be delighted to have you visit The Sassy Palms and have a slappertini on the house."
Carmene pulled Shandelier from the chair and steered her towards the door. Dirk was flabbergasted but they had the facts right. He had nothing to charge Shandelier with and to be perfectly honest he didn't want to. He could tell she was innocent of both the arson and murder, but these gals would be the key to unlocking the secrets of the crime and he wanted them on a short leash - maybe even a leather studded one with matching gimp mask? Whew, he pulled himself back into reality.
"Don't go too far, I'll be wanting to talk to you all at some stage," he called after them.
Iva swung around on her mock-crocs and headed back to Dirk, she moved in close and straightened his Gucci silk-tie.
"You know you really are quite an appetising long drink of water aren't you? Come and see the show sometime and I'll be sure to give you a backdoor tour." She winked suggestively.
Iva grabbed the pate of uneaten stew as she left the room. Vera Head was sitting right outside the door, desperately trying to hear every last word. Iva plonked the stew in Vera's lap.
"There you go Bullychops, have a free feed. It's probably the only meat you're ever going to get inside you in this lifetime."
Then Iva leant over and whispered in Vera's ear, "And you can tell your little yellow-stained friend in the transparent heels that we know what's going down - and it's HER."
Iva grabbed Carmene in one hand and Shandelier in the other and the three of them sashayed out of the police-station on their stilettos, cackling into the night.
Vera Head clutched the plate of poisoned plop in both hands, she wanted revenge alright, but it wasn't just Shandelier in her sights anymore - it was the WHOLE SASSY PALMS and everything in it.
The ladies piled into Carmene's car,
"Where are we going?" Shandelier asked.
Carmene looked at her in the rearview mirror, "WE are not going anywhere honey. YOU are getting away for awhile, somewhere far away..."
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