Pants Music..

Iva Biggun knew nothing for sure but she was going to follow her hunch. Her hunch led her yellow plumes straight to the door of Imelda's dressing room. Iva pushed open the louvred western-style swing doors and sashayed inside. Imelda was already half undressed from her performance and about to slip into one of garish polyester disasters. Iva threw her a roll of Hollywood tape.

"You'd better push that banana fritter back between your pork buns Honey. You're coming with me."

"Whaaaaaaat? No waaaaaaaaay, I finish with my show tonight." Imelda squealed in her nails-on-the-blackboard falsetto.

Iva pushed Imelda back against the lime-green fake bamboo wallpaper. "No. You. Have. Just. Started."

Imelda was uncharacteristically silent. Iva ruffled through Imelda's dress-rack, screwing her nose up in distate at each outfit.

"Have you got ANYTHING in this collection that says 'SHOW' instead of 'SLAG'?"

"What you want?" Imelda squeezed herself back into her pink bedazzled lycra monstrosity.

Ivan turned to Imelda and spoke quickly, "Listen to me Crispy-Skin I know exactly what's been going on with the blackmailing. You'll be going down faster than a five dollar hooker if you don't do what I say. So pull yourself together and get that pathetic excuse for an ass on to the stage. I can get you out of this but trust me you are going to owe me and I will make you pay."

"But I never heard of blackmail..." Iva shot Imelda a look that silenced her.

"And you can bring some cash." Iva said, picking up one of Imelda's hot-pink nubuck wedge-heeled knee-high ugg-boots and tossing it to her. "I know you've been dipping into the tip jar for the bar-staff and hiding it in here so you may as well grab it all out now.

Imelda's painted on eyebrows could not have gone any higher but she knew better than to try lying her way out of this one. Perhaps her staccato screeches and preening purrs would have worked on one of her tricks but no-one gets anything past Iva Biggun. Especially a two-bit
Rice Queen with nubuck wedge-heels.

Iva and Imelda swung onto the stage, looking as composed as possible, with the eyes of The Sassy Palms audience firmly fixed upon them. Iva slipped into her best showgirl persona, draping her feather boa around Shandalier's shoulders.

"Ooooh Shandalier, we know all about your secret needs, your innermost desires...we know what you need."

Shandalier tapped her stilettos wondering whether to play or stay. Imelda was making a pathetic attempt at following Iva's lead, trying to keep up.

"That's right Shandalier. We know we needed to do something special to get you here tonight and our ruse worked. So now you're here grab a seat and check out our little show and we have a lovely little gift for you as well."

Iva gave a nod to Franklyn, The Sassy Palms ridiculously handsome technical assistant and the lights dimmed and the karaoke version of Adam Ant's 'Antmusic' hit the speakers.

Iva spun, grabbed the microphone and let loose with her own incredible version with Imelda stumbling for a little limelight in the sidelines.

"Well I'm standing here looking at you
What do I see?" Iva shot an incredulous look at Imelda, the crowd loved it.
"I'm looking straight through
it's so sad when you're young
to be told
you're having fun."

"So pull out the plumage we're doing you a favour
You need some R & R so try another flavour,
Pants music."

"Well I'm standing here what do I see?" Another nod to Imelda.
"A big nothing
threatening thee
It's so sad when you're young
to be told
you're having fun."

"Don't tread on an ant
She's done nothing to you
There might come a day when she's treading on you
Don't tread on an ant you'll end up black and blue
You cut off his headlegs come looking for you ."

Imelda beckoned Franklyn onto the stage for the final verse, having a ridiculously handsome technical assistant shaking his hot pants around the stage is enough to make anyone forget their problems - even if it is blackmail..or blackmailing.

Iva dragged Shandelier back on to the stage and made an announcement. "Shandelier, we know how much you've been missing home so we're doing a whip around for you tonight, we're paying your airfare back to the US of A with two week's accomodation in a luxury aparment at Boca thrown in." Iva winked at Morty, he shrugged his shoulders, it wasn't the first time Iva had sprung something on him. And if she was offering two weeks in Boca he assumed the luxury apartment was his condo.

Iva pulled out a top hat and begun passing it around, first to Imelda. Imelda dropped in some of her ugg-boot stash but under Iva's gaze she put in the whole amount. The hat did the rounds of the club and the crowd dug deep. The Sassy Palms had really turned it on tonight, there'd been the usual acts but then there'd been Shandalier's gospel number, accusations of blackmail, a new version of Antmusic and of course a ridiculously handsome technical assistant shaking it on stage. When the hat finally landed back to Shandalier there was more than enough for an airfare to the States, in fact there was enough for two airfares.

Shandalier looked into the hat and burst into tears. "Oh honey" she said hugging Iva, "I was thinking the worst and look what you all have done."
Iva hugged her back, "Hey Shandalier, you need a break Honey."
Shandalier looked into the hat again at all that money, into the faces into the crowd and back at Iva.
"There's more than enough money for my airfare and I'll tell you what I'm going to do with the rest..."