Flaming Batons

Dirk laid a manly hand on Shandy's silken thigh. "Are you okay?" he asked in a low voice.

"Well," Shandy responded, "I'd be better if your hand was about 8 inches up from where it is right now..."

"He means are you okay emotionally, you one-track-minded old whorebag," Carmene griped.

"Go suck the Razz stain out of ya Target jumpsuit, will ya?" Shandy threw towards the back of Dirk's shaggin' wagon.

"Ladies," Dirk said, using a term that barely applied to anyone inside his vehicle, "there are questions here that need answering."

"You're right, my darling," Shandy said as she furtively guided Dirk's warm hand northwards. "Go on. Don't stop."

"So, these Cottonwood people. When was the last time you saw them?"

Shandy tapped a perfectly mani'd index finger to her chin and thought for a bit. "Hmmm, okay, that would be...oh yeah...the finals of the Miss Boiling Springs 1987 Beauty Pageant."

"Did ya win?" Iva asked.

"Are you kidding?" Shandy replied, "I was a guaranteed shoo-in."

"How come?" the Razz-splattered Carmene wanted to know. "Were you the only contestant?"

But Shandy chose to ignore the sarcasm dripping from Carmene's thin lips like the Dirk Juice she was hoping would be dripping from hers in the not-too-distant future. Instead she encouraged Dirk's hand another inch along. "There were six of us but I may as well have been the only one there. Let me tell you, I was on fire that night. I had it all going on. My hair was glossy, freshly tinted with Lancome Malibu Blonde highlights. And huge! Man, it was bigger than that plastic pig outside the Boiling Springs Piggly Wiggly Supermarket. And let me tell you, that porker was HUGE! And I had slimmed down to my lowest weight but miraculously my tits were as perky as ever in my stun-wah Diane Von Furstenberg aqua bamboo bandeau 'Flamingo' swimsuit. And I twirled my flaming baton like nobody's business. Twenty feet in the air, thirty feet, forty feet - the audience gasped at my every move; I had them in the palm of my hands. I was unstoppable!"

"Not that this story isn't positively riveting," Iva cut through Shandy's vivid evocation of her triumph de beauté , "but could we get to the part where you see the Cottonwoods for the last time...? Some of us have...uh...places to go."

Shandy looked around to see Iva nestled deep into the cleft between Saul's impressive pecs. "Fair enough," Shandy winked to Iva. "Anyways us six finalists were lined up along the stage and the pageant's MC - Bernard Wedgie, he owned Boiling Spring's Piggly Wiggly and was its major sponsor so he got to do whatever he wanted - he walked onto the stage with the envelope which contained the winner's name.

"He was just about to proclaim me as the winner when suddenly there was this god almighty scuh-ream from the audience. I looked out across the Boiling Springs Rotary Pavillion carpark - that's where we held the Miss Boiling Springs pageant every year on account of the flaming batons - and I spotted my mother standing in the 5th row, pointing at me and scuh-reaming "That's Delwood! That's my son, Delwood!" Next to her was my father trying to shoosh her down. But she wouldn't stop. "Delwood! Delwood! What have you done to yourself?!"

"They didn't know you'd had had the op?" Iva asked, her fingers raking the inside of Saul's shirt.

"I was going to tell them, right after my triumphant crowning as Miss Boiling Springs. Nobody ain't won nothin' in our family before. I was going to be the first and I was going to nab the greatest prize in Boiling Springs."

"You mean bigger than Best Parsip at the county fair?" Carmene tittered.

Shandy could have walloped her one good and proper right from where she was sitting but she chose instead to be a lady...and to slide Dirk's hand another inch towards her tingly zone. "Anyway," she sniffed, "someone leaked the details of my spectacular transformation to my mother. I was mortified. Completely mortified in front of the whole town. I picked up the hem of my satin ball gown with the bugle-beaded bolero jacket and ran right off the stage. I didn't stop running until I was five and half miles beyond the Boiling Springs City Limits. And I never went back. But what has that got to do with anything?"

"I have a inking," Dirk responded. "Don't you think it's strange that Clare Voyant could know something about your own family that you don't?" The tip of his index finger wormed its way inside the hem of Shandy's pink-raspberry coloured Victoria's Secret Brazilian Cut Stretch Lace Panties. Thank God I wore the good stuff tonight, Shandy thought to herself, I'm a toey after all this excitement and clearly Dirk wants to slip me a length. And oh my heavens above, what a length it is too. Ooooh...I can't wait until we drop these slags off at...no, wait, did someone just ask me something...?

"Say what?" Shandy asked innocently.

"Give me your box," Dirk demanded abruptly.

"Oooo..." Shandy gurgled, "I love it when---hey, what are you doing?"

Dirk swiftly withdrew his hand from the inside of her lap. "The box you took from Clare Voyant. Give to me."

Mystified, Shandy handed over the heavily bejeweled box. Saul and Carmene leaned forward to see what Dirk was up to. Even Iva came up for some air. Dirk took the box from Shandy and opened it again. He thrust his hand inside and he groped around for something. Shandy had no idea what Dirty Dirkie was up to but she eyed it all enviously.

"Ah ha!" Dirk muttered. "Just as I thought."

"What?" all three queens queried in unison.

"This thing has a false bottom."

"It ain't the only one in this car with one of those," Iva commented before descending into the shadows of the back seat once more.

Dirk pulled out a thin sheet of wood and handed it to Shandy, and then reached back inside and pulled out a thick envelope.

"Oh dear god," Shandy exclaimed, "This must have been what Clare was referring to when she said that if the contents of that box gets out, she was ruined. Open it up!" she told Dirk. "Open it up and tell what's there."

Dirk did exactly that and studied the top sheet of paper. "It's a travel itinerary," he said, "For flights to Melbourne, arriving last week."

"Well, that's not surprising," Shandy said. Her tingly zone was starting to miss the warmth of Dirk's touch. "She's been wizzing all round the world scooping up drag queens to star at Destination Dung Heap. I bet she even flew Business Class. I should have burned down her mansion while I had the chance, I hate her and everything she sits on."

"No my darling, this isn't an itinerary for Clare Voyant. It's for someone named Miss Cashmere Dupree."

"WHAT?" Shandy screeched and ripped the paper out of Dirk's hands. Oh no! Not Cashmere Dupree!

"What sort of name is Cashmere Dupree?" Carmene wanted to know. "Sounds like a drag queen to me. I take it you know who that is?"

"Oh yes, indeed I do," Shandy declared. "Miss Cashmere Dupree was my arch enemy. The girl would stop at nothing from grabbing the Miss Boiling Springs crown from my deserving hands. It was SHE who told my mother about my secret op. It was SHE who ruined my life. And worst of all, it was SHE who won the Miss Boiling Springs title that year."

"And that's not all," Dirk continued, looking at the next sheet of paper in the pile in his hands. "This is a bank statement for Destination Drag Queen. And it shows a bank-to-bank transfer for one million dollars, dated last month."

"WHAT?" Shandy screeched and ripped the second sheet of paper out of Dirk's hands. It was true: someone had transfered a cool mill into DDQ's bank account. And it originated from the First National Bank of Boiling Springs. "I can't believe this is happening. After all these years, Cashmere Dupree is still out to destroy me! Why me? Why me?"

"There's more," Dirk said. Shandy turned to Dirk and, through her tears, she saw him looking at the next piece of paper in the pile he'd withdrawn from the envelope. "This here is a hotel confirmation. It's for the Grand Hyatt; a two-bedroom suite for this whole month."

"Who's name is the suite booked in?" Iva asked despite the fact she clearly had a full mouth.

"There are two names," Dirk replied. "One is Miss Cashmere Dupree."

"And the other?" Iva asked, or at least attempted to ask. It came out more like "A E O-O?"

"The other name is Miss Prissy Louella Cottonwood."

Everyone in the car gasped simultaneously, except for Iva who let out more of a gagging sound from down near the floor of the back seat.

"Hit it, Dirk my darling." Shandy commanded.

"Hit what?" He slid his hungry fingers back inside the hem of Shandy's Victoria Secret and foraged into her tingly zone. But she brushed it away.

"My greatest arch enemy and a twin sister I never knew I had are sharing a suite at the Grand Hyatt at this very moment. I want to know why and I want to know NOW!!!"

Let The Blood Run Free

Carmene was screeching like a banshee, her arms were flailing uncontrollably. "Ive been shot - I'm dying, dying do you hear me. Oh farewell cruelle cruelle worldddd"

Everyone was now in a state of shock, screaming and crying - except of course for Dirk who was used to maintaining one's composure in a crisis.

"Carmene, stop, stop, let me see" shouted Dirk

"No, no - its too late" shrieked Carmene

Dirk took control, he pinned Carmene down. "Shandy, help me, whilst I hold her, check her out, where is she wounded".

Shandy rushed to Carmene's side, noting the blood was staining her hip region which was being obscured by a rather cheap and tawdry faux Chanel quilted white vinyl shoulder bag. Pulling it aside she had a closer look.

"Ummmm the "blood" seems to be oozing from your handbag not your body darlin"

Quickly unzipping it Shandy gasped in relief. "You stupid, stupid queen, what the hell are you doing with a Razz in your bag"

"WHAT" replied Carmene. Its my Razz. I'm not shot, I'm not dying"

"Unfortunately not" replied Iva

"Oh well thats ok then" said Carmene sitting up and snatching her bag. Opening it whilst cursing under her breath she plucked a tissue from within and lamely tried to dab the stain off her 100% synthetic frock. "I got at the 7 Eleven to have later if you must know"

"Don't ever pull a stunt like that again you dumb moll" said Iva

"Why don't you shut your face - bitch"

"Enough" said Dirk "You are all extremely lucky to get away with your lives. Claire is not to be messed with, she is a very dangerous woman. Shandy I cannot believe you thought up this scheme. Its bad enough endangering yourself, but to involve others is fool hardy".

Shandy flicked her hair nervously, trying to conceal her embarrassment. Dirk was right, what was she thinking.

"I'm so sorry - I don't know what I was thinking. I was just so angry" said Shandy trying to look Dirk in the eye.

He reached for her hand "I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost you"

Everyone fell into silence.

"OH MY GAWDDDDD" said Iva "What about that box. Whats in it"

Shandy had a suspicion. Rummaging in her hand bag she located the key, the key that had fallen from the smashed Penis of Morty Hempel.

"NO - do you think it will open the box" said Carmene in a non believing tone

"Not sure - I just have a hunch"

She put the key into the lock - turning it gently as it went click.

Shandy looked at everyone "Its opened it, I don't believe it, shit".

As she lifted the lid, the jewels glistened seductively.

"Whats in there, what is it" said Iva

"For chrissakes Iva give the woman a second" snapped Carmene "So whats in there".

"Its an envelope, thats it"

Iva rolled her eyes "Open it for gods sake"

Shandy's hands shook as she peeled open the envelope. Inside was a single peice of paper.

"Let me see, whats this all about. It looks like some sort of certificate" Her eyes flashed over the document "How bizarre, its a birth certificate. FUCK - its my birth certificate" Shandy flushed with nerves as she studied it closely.

"Read it out" said Iva

"Its embarrassing - its got my birth name, my male name. Oh well, I don't have any secrets. Its got my fathers name Augustus William Cottonwood"

"COTTONWOOD" snickered Carmene. Shandy raised an eyebrow, she stopped instantly.

Shandy continued "And my mum, Bessie Eudola Cottonwood and there is my name Delwood Hickory Cottonwood"

This time everyone broke into laughter, Dirk included. Shandy shot him a glare

Dirk tried to stop laughing "Delwood!"

"Enough you lot, thats a respectable Southern name I will have you all know" hmph "Wait" Shandy said "There's more, hang on, what? There is another name - geezus - get out of town"

"WHAT" said everyone in unison

"It seems I have a twin sister, a certain person by the name of Prissy Louella Cottonwood"

Shandy dropped the paper - she was gazing blankly not knowing what to make of it all. So many unanswered questions. Why did she not know of this sister. Did her parents give her up for adoption. Was she alive. Where did she live and most importantly - what was Claire doing with the birth certificate.